The Agony of Inferiority

What is it that causes so much pain to young people between 12 and 20 years of age? It’s a feeling of hopelessness we call “inferiority.” It’s that awful awareness that nobody likes you, that you’re not as good as other people, that you’re a failure, a loser, a personal disaster; that you’re ugly, or unintelligent, or don’t have as much ability as someone else. It’s that depressing feeling of worthlessness.

As young people grow up in our society today, there are three things they feel they must have to feel good about themselves. The first of these is physical attractiveness. Did you know that approximately 80 percent of teenagers don’t like the way they look? No matter how minor the physical “problem” is, it can create anxiety and depression.

One of the most damaging games played by teenagers is to come up with unkind nicknames that draw attention to anything different about a person. In this way they put a spotlight on the feature that the victim most wants to hide.

The second characteristic that young people don’t like about themselves is that they feel unintelligent. This feeling often begins during early school years when they have trouble learning in school. The more often a student fails in school, the more discouraged he is likely to become — especially if his classmates, teachers or parents get impatient with him or resort to calling him stupid or lazy.

The third value that young people use to measure their worth is money. They think the wealthy family is more important than the poor one. To be accepted and popular they have to dress a certain way, or their family has to have a certain kind of car or live in a particular neighborhood. The young person who can’t afford to wear the latest style in clothes feels inadequate.

Beauty, intelligence and money are the three attributes valued most highly in our society. When junior high students first discover that they are lacking in one (or all three), they begin sliding downward in despair.

If your tween/teen already feels badly about life — or if you’re concerned about the challenges he will face in the coming years — learn how you can build his confidence so he can overcome the agony of inferiority.

Steps to Overcoming Inferiority

1. Recognize that you are not alone.

Ask your tween/teen to start observing the people around her to see if she can detect hidden feelings of inferiority. She may notice at school that some kids will be smiling, laughing, talking and carrying their books down the halls. But unless she takes a second look, she may never know that many of them have the same concerns. Some kids reveal these self-doubts by being shy and quiet, or angry and mean, or cocky and “stuck up.”

Your child will soon learn to recognize the signs and discover that inferiority is a common disorder. Once she comprehends that others feel the same way, she will not feel she’s alone. It will give her more confidence to know that everyone is afraid of embarrassment and ridicule — that we’re all sitting in the same leaky boat, trying to plug the holes.

2. Face your problem.

Encourage your tween/teen to face the issue that’s bugging her. Tell her to look squarely at the thought that keeps gnawing at her from the back of her mind, causing a black cloud to hang over her head day and night. Ask her to get alone where there is no one to distract her. Then have her list all the things that she dislikes about herself. Let her know that she can be completely honest because no one will see her list unless she decides to show it to someone.

Tell her to identify her most serious problem as best as possible. Does she get frustrated and angry at people and then feel bad later? Or is she lazy or unkind to other people? Or does she dislike the way she looks? When she’s finished, have her go back through the list and put a checkmark by the items that worry her the most.

Ask if she would be willing to share that list with you or with her youth pastor. Let her know that it’s highly likely that many of the problems she has listed have been experienced by most people, and she can benefit from their experience. Then she can develop a plan of action and prayer with your help, or that of her pastor, to change the things that bother her — as long as she keeps in mind that the best way to have a healthy mind is to accept those things that cannot be changed. For example, she needs to focus her energies on not becoming frustrated with others easily, rather than concentrating on trying to change the nose that God gave her.

3. Compensate for your weaknesses.

Show your tween/teen how she can make up for her weaknesses by concentrating on her strengths. Returning to the unsolvable problems on her checklist, she can balance those weak areas by excelling in other abilities. Not everybody can be the best-looking person in school. There are a lot of other people in the same boat, and it doesn’t really matter. Remind your child that her worth doesn’t depend on the arrangement of her body. Encourage her to develop abilities that will build her confidence. She can be the best saxophone player in the band or succeed at a part-time job or raise rabbits for fun and profit.

There’s success waiting for our children. They just have to look for it and make the most out of what they have. It won’t hurt them nearly as much to be rejected by other people when they know they’re successful at doing something. When our kids develop a skill that makes them proud of themselves, they will gradually start to have a healthier self-concept. They will begin to like themselves a bit more — and when they like themselves better, so will others.

4. Have genuine friends.

Nothing helps your child’s self-confidence more than genuine friends. When she knows that other people like her, it’s much easier for her to accept herself. The best way to have a friend is to be a good friend to others. Remind your tween/teen that the people she interacts with everyday have the same problems she does. Understanding that fact will help her know how to get along with others and earn their respect.

Teach your child never to make fun of others or ridicule them. Instruct her to make a conscious effort to show respect for all people — popular and unpopular alike. It has to be a genuine respect and value for people, or she will be perceived as a phony. She must learn to protect the reputations of others, and they will do the same for her. If she is sarcastic or gossips about others, they will return the ill treatment and will talk about her when her back is turned.

When our kids befriend people, those people will remember the generosity and will look for ways to return the kindness. Your child will be surprised by how many friends she can make by being understanding, by standing up for them when others are trying to make them feel foolish. Sensitivity leads to friendship, which leads to greater self-confidence.

This article was adapted from Preparing for Adolescence: How to Survive the Coming Years of Change by Dr. James Dobson with the permission of Gospel Light/Regal Books (Ventura, CA 93003). Copyright 1989.

Reprinted from Family.org