Marriage in Mid-Life: Are You Stressed Out?
Pam and Bill Farrel
Contributing Writers
We
were both standing with our teen kids at the “To Go” order desk waiting
for our dinners to be ready so we could jump back into the fast lane of
family life. Two strangers, two moms, striking up a conversation to
bide the time until we both could zoom back into life’s never ending
stream of responsibilities. As with most midlife women’s conversations,
the topic soon turned to stress. Then, this very "together" leader I
was chatting with asked me what I did for a living. When I shared that
Bill and I have a relationship ministry, she said, “Well maybe you can
help me with mine.” My new friend did what many women in midlife do --
she shared her story of all the stressors, all the responsibilities,
all the built-up frustrations that accompany many marriages
—especially at midlife. She was ready to throw in the towel.
So what’s a mid life married person to do?
Get Real: When I shared that midlife marriages
experience more stress because of the season of life we are in, my new
friend seemed to gain hope. Think about it: Midlife moms are either
older moms with little kids (exhausting), raising teens (more
exhausting) or paying for graduations, cars, college, or weddings
(expensively exhausting!) This doesn’t even take into account the
rising number of grandparents raising their grandchildren (expensive
and exhausting a second time around!) Then add to this, pressures from
success: people want your wisdom, your connections, your volunteer
time, your expertise in business or life. And for some add in pressures
like: corporate downsizing, retirement transitions, health challenges
like menopause or peri menopause for her and midlife crisis issues for
him. In addition, many parents in midlife marriages are also dealing
with teenage hormones and prodigal young adults sowing their wild
oats.
Often a midlife marriage seems dull and lifeless when all that is
really going on is extreme pressure from the life stage you are in, and
you two just needing a vacation and some well deserved R and R! If you
two will just hang on, get those kids out of the house and go on a
second honeymoon, things might just look a whole lot better!
Get educated: Midlife does come with a
prepackaged set of obstacles to overcome, the major one being your age!
High blood pressure, rising cholesterol levels, weight gain and
diabetes, over 100 symptoms of menopause to deal with and the growing
need for medications like Premarin, Prozac, Levitra, and Viagra —are
just a few of the many physical issues that midlifers might have to
deal with.
If you get educated and get equipped, what looked like a negative
can be turned into a positive. For example, when Bill and I hit 45,
his blood pressure was up and my cholesterol was rising so we took back
our schedule and added in some workout dates. We lost a little weight
and gained some much needed romantic time. For our anniversary last
year, we bought each other bikes and now we try to ride to romantic
spots. After my brother had a heart attack, he and my sister in law
began walking 2-4 miles every morning where they pray for each other,
their family and chat about the coming day. It has become one of their
most cherished times of the day. By getting educated, you can create a
personalized plan for life and love that will be a win-win for both of
you -- and that will benefit your marriage and your family.
Get a new perspective: In our book, Every Marriage is a Fixer Upper,
we interviewed couples who have been happily marred for over 20 years.
These couples made a deliberate choice: Instead of looking at all the
things that are wrong and frustrating about their mate and their life
after 40, they instead opted to look at all the things they loved and
would miss if their mate were no longer around.
Last week, three of us women who are over 40 and have been married over
25 years were sitting together talking about midlife and marriage. We
each said how much we’d miss our mate because he had become our best
friend in life. I shared how on our 25th anniversary, we
had a vow renewal ceremony and this time our vows sounded very
different from the first go around because we knew what it really took
to keep love alive for a lifetime. I commented that it was a choice.
Bill sees all my flaws and knows them well and he chooses to focus on
my strengths instead. For example, he calls my impulsivity
“spontaneity.” I know Bill pretty much always runs late because he is
such a people person, but I choose to focus on the fact he is great at
relationships and just ask him to come home 10 minutes earlier than I really need him.
As I shared these simple principles, my new friend gained some hope.
She said, “We did make a commitment at the alter. I know we meant it,
but I think it is time for “us” to go on the front burner of life’s
priorities for awhile. I want to get back to seeing him as my best
friend and my lover. Maybe life will seem fun again then.” I smiled
and winked at her knowingly. Because she said her commitment out loud
in front of me --a stranger -- but more importantly, because she voiced
her commitment in front of her teen kids. I think she will rediscover
her best friend and a second honeymoon might just be around the
corner.
reprinted from crosswalk.com