Do You Love Your Kids Too Much! Whitney Hopler - Contributing Writer
The following is a report on the practical applications of Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy's new book, Loving Your Child Too Much: How to Keep a Close Relationship with Your Child without Overindulging, Overprotecting, or Overcontrolling, (Integrity Publishers, 2006).
It’s only natural to be passionately in love with your
children, and all kids deserve that kind of love from their parents.
But while you shouldn’t ever limit the amount of love you give your
children, you do need to watch the ways you express that love. If your
love leads you to overprotect, overindulge, or overcontrol your kids,
that’s not healthy.
Here’s how you can love your kids in healthy ways that lead to positive relationships between you:
Embrace grace.
Realize that everyone makes mistakes, and that all parents can
sometimes be guilty of overprotecting, overindulging, or
overcontrolling their children. Know that, in Jesus, there is no
condemnation. As you examine your relationship with your kids, talk to
God about the ways in which you need help, and accept the mercy and
grace that He offers you. Rely on His strength to change, and trust Him
to be with you along the way to better relationships with your kids.
Understand your motives.
Reflect on what might be motivating you to express your love for your
kids in unhealthy ways. Invite God to show you what issues from your
past or present stresses may be affecting how you relate to them. Then
release them to God, and pursue the healing He offers.
Stop overprotecting them.
Don’t lie about tough, real-life issues; always tell the truth, in
age-appropriate ways. Don’t rescue your kids from situations that can
teach them more about accountability, responsibility, and the
consequences of their decisions. Let your kids take care of tasks they
should do themselves, and require them to help with household chores on
a regular basis. Refuse to fight their battles for them; let them learn
how to solve problems and deal effectively with conflict by working
through their own issues. Encourage them to tackle challenges and
gently push them keep going when situations get tough, even if they
sometimes fail. Help them learn from disappointment.
Teach them that, even though life can be painful, they can find joy
through God’s grace. Let them know that, even though the world can be a
dangerous place, generally it’s not that dangerous. Assure your kids
that they are fully capable of giving and receiving love. Encourage
them to learn the valuable emotional and spiritual lessons that
suffering can teach. Ask God to give you the wisdom to effectively
balance freedoms and restrictions in your children’s lives during each
stage of childhood and the teen years. Give your adult children
complete autonomy, but always keep praying for them.
Stop overindulging them.
Don’t give in to whatever your children want, no matter how much they
beg, whine, or throw temper tantrums. Don’t bribe them to cooperate
with you. Require your kids to make an effort to obtain desired items
on their own, rather than simply giving the items to them. Help them
understand the value of hard work and what it takes to earn money.
Be sure to supervise your kids well and set appropriate boundaries for
them. When praising your kids, remember that praise should be earned so
your children will have the motivation they need to work toward their
goals. Don’t just defer to your kids when making decisions; consider
your own feelings and work together to find compromises.
Teach them that it’s okay to feel strong emotions, but they have a
responsibility to express their feelings in faithful ways and make good
choices. Let them know that it’s fine to want things, but they don’t
need to have everything they want. Show your kids that they are
accountable for their actions. Teach them that there is joy in earning
things instead of always being given things. Show them the importance
of serving others, and join them in regular acts of service to people
in need. Instead of trying to fix difficult situations for them are
trying to rescue them from challenges, coach them through the issues so
they can achieve the skills and confidence they’ll need later in life.
Always follow through with consequences for misbehavior so your kids
will know you’re serious.
Assign them regular household chores and work alongside them. Encourage
them to tackle pursuits like sports or music, where they’ll need to
develop the self-discipline necessary to practice. Reward their hard
work. Limit their presents for holidays, birthdays, and other special
occasions – and teach them that gifts are privileges instead of
entitlements, and that they need to express appreciation to those who
have given them gifts.
Stop overcontrolling them.
Make sure you’re spending some time on a regular basis just enjoying
and playing with your children – instead of constantly lecturing,
critiquing, or pushing them. Don’t make all the decisions for your
kids’ activities; give them opportunities to explore their own
interests. Ask God to help you relax around your children. Allow your
kids to express their thoughts and feelings – even when they disagree
with you – in respectful ways. Teach them how to effectively negotiate
and work together to solve problems. Respect your kids’ privacy and
don’t pry unnecessarily into their conversations, mail, phone calls, or
belongings.
Never use guilt to manipulate your children. Don’t withhold love from
them when they’re disobedient; let them know that you will always love
them, even when they’re not doing what you want. Abandon unreasonable
expectations for your kids and focus on what’s reasonable for them to
attain. Make sure your kids know their own likes and dislikes. Respect
your children’s choices, even though you don’t always agree with them.
Give your kids the freedom to learn who they are, and that they are
responsible for their own decisions. Let them know that they, with
God’s blessing, are in control of their own destinies. Show them that
with God’s help, they can deal with difficult decisions. Affirm that
your kids’ value is based on who they are – not what they do.
Examine your motives when you interact with your children and guard
against relating to them as projects. Let your kids express their own
opinions and tastes, and complete their own developmental milestones
(such as first day of school or first time driving) without you
hovering or giving them constant advice. Ask God to help you genuinely
understand and accept your children – especially when their
temperaments are different from your own. Surrender your own agenda for
your kids and help each of them achieve their full potential to become
the people God wants them to be.
Give your kids the same respect you want them to give you.
Rather than treating your children poorly when they misbehave, provide
discipline and consequences in calm and rational ways that respect
their dignity and model the positive attitude you want them to have.
Ask God to help you live the kind of life that provides a great example
to your kids of faith in action. Ask Him to empower you to instruct
them in biblical wisdom, and to give them firm structure and clear
boundaries without sacrificing great love.
Spend as much time with them as possible.
Understand that what your children need and want the most isn’t any
type of toy or other material item – it’s you. Make time with your kids
a top priority in your schedule. Know that it’s quantity time (not
quality time) that leads to the unexpected, memorable moments that will
strengthen your bond. Be there with them as often as possible to share
life together, and be assured that they will treasure time with you far
more than anything else you can give them.
Build your kids’ character.
Help your children develop these virtues: A Christ-centered attitude,
moral discernment, a sense of humor, patience, the ability to endure
pain, personal and spiritual growth, the ability to forgive and accept
forgiveness, problem-solving skills, an ability to be slow to anger,
resilience, communication skills, respect for others, compassion,
responsibility, courage, self-confidence, empathy, self-control,
gratitude, self-discipline, integrity, self-respect, kindness,
spiritual discernment, a love for life and learning, and tolerance.
Focus on relationship rather than rules.
Realize that, while rules are important, they must be based on a
positive relationship in order to be effective. Understand that,
without a positive relationship with you, your kids will rebel against
even the best rules. Build close relationships with each of your
children by: showing empathy for their thoughts and feelings,
assertively yet respectfully sharing your perspectives – focusing on
specific facts rather than emotion, treating them with respect,
expressing warmth toward them, and making adjustments in your parenting
style to respond to each of your kids’ unique needs.
Strengthen your bond during stressful times.
Whenever your family experiences stressful events such as a death,
divorce, job loss, illness, relocation, or financial problems, keep
close to your kids. Maintain stable mealtimes, bedtimes, and other
everyday routines; clearly explain to your children what’s going on so
they’re informed; focus on all that will remain unchanged in your lives
for now; reassure them that your circumstances aren’t their fault;
schedule fun activities together regularly; and give each of your kids
some undivided attention every day.
Coach your kids through their emotions.
Teach your kids how to wisely deal with all of their emotions – from
anger and fear, to excitement and surprise. Get to know your own
emotions so you can better understand the feelings your children
experience. Try to see the world through your kids’ eyes. Display the
emotions you want your children to exhibit. Share your feelings and
experiences with them. Help them identify complex feelings. Help them
discover where their feelings come from. Validate their feelings by
acknowledging them and exploring them with patience and understanding.
Work with them on dealing with situations that are making them upset.
Encourage them to talk about their emotions; let them know you’re
paying attention. Empathize before giving advice. Focus more on helping
your kids become aware of their real emotions than on telling them what
they ought to feel. Show them how to cope with negative feelings and
focus on positive feelings, as God uses their pain to help them grow
and mature.
Discipline them wisely.
Remember to adapt your discipline methods to fit each of your kids’
personalities. Use praise to encourage positive behavior and ignoring
to decrease negative behavior. Create an environment for moral growth.
Establish clear rules and limits. Teach your children the reasons
behind your rules. Discern between intentional defiance and childish
irresponsibility, and don’t punish your kids for normal developmental
accidents. Avoid making impossible demands. Teach virtues that
strengthen and guide your kids’ behavior. Let love guide all you do.
Adapted from Loving
Your Child Too Much: How to Keep a Close Relationship with Your Child
without Overindulging, Overprotecting, or Overcontrolling,
copyright 2006 by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibey. Published by
Integrity Publishers, a division of Integrity Media, Inc., Franklin,
Tn., www.integritypublishers.com.
Tim Clinton
(Ed.D., Professional Counseling, LPC, LMFT) is President of the
American Association of Christian Counselors. He is the author of
numerous books and the publisher of the award-winning Christian
Counseling Today magazine. Tim is the Professor of Counseling and
Pastoral Care and Executive Director of the Liberty University Center
for Counseling and Family Studies. He lives with his wife and children
in Virginia.
Dr. Gary Sibcy
(Ph.D., Clinical Psychology, LCP, LPC, LMFT) is a licensed clinical
psychologist, professional counselor, marriage and family therapist
with Piedmont Psychiatric Center in Lynchburg, VA. He serves as an
Associate Professor of Counseling at Liberty University and is a
consultant for group homes with troubled children. Gary and his wife
enjoy a vibrant home with their two children in Virginia.
Reprinted from
Crosswalk.com