Editor's
Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your
marriage or family? Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk
readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.
You know them by the energy they take from you. In an effort to
help them feel better, you walk away drained. In an effort to cheer
them up, you feel discouraged. No matter how much or how often you give
to them, it’s never enough. They rarely appreciate the lengths you go
to please them—and this breeds low level resentment which makes you
feel even guiltier.
CrazyMakers, you remember, make us feel crazy. We walk away from an encounter with an Egotist, Aggressor, Borderline or Sufferer,
feeling tired, confused and angry. We wonder, “Is it me, or is it them?
What just happened here,” as our minds swirl with frustration. This
CrazyMaker, the fourth of five in this series,
struggles with life. Often depressed, they look outside themselves for
happiness. If you’re in their circle, they look to you to fill their
inner void.
Now this is where things get tricky. The Sufferer is adept at
playing the victim, and we all know what a victim needs — a Rescuer.
Few of us, especially caring, concerned Christians, can resist the
opportunity of helping someone who is suffering. But that is also the
bait --- those who have perfected the role of victim/ Sufferer, will
truly never change when offered help. Your help will never be quite
enough. And so, you’re caught in an endless pattern of trying to fix
someone who really doesn’t want to be fixed.
Perhaps you’re familiar with the paralyzed man at the Pool of
Bethesda. Having lay by the pool for thirty-eight years waiting for the
swirling of the water in order to be healed, Jesus asks him a pointed
question.
“Do you want to get well?”
At first glance this appears to be a slap in the man’s face. Of
course, he wants to be healed, but complains that he has had no one to
help him into the pool when the water is stirred. Thirty-eight years
without assistance? On the surface he wants healing, but Jesus looked
into his heart. Jesus asks about his true, inner motives.
Each of us has a responsibility in our own healing. While it is
right to pray for healing, and even to ask for help, it’s not right to
expect others to do healing work for us.
Here are some steps to take if you feel hooked by a Sufferer.
First, give up the need to rescue. We must look
into our own hearts and make sure we are not feeding an inner need to
be the messiah that fixes people. We must let go of any arrogance
lingering below the surface whispering, “I have the answers to all your
problems.”
Second, we must detach ourselves from their problems.
Many Sufferers want to symbiotically attach themselves to others,
causing us to feel drained. We must unhook, caring from a distance. We
must step back and take a fresh look at what we’re doing, and whether
we are truly offering legitimate assistance.
Finally, we must give back responsibility.
Detaching from others can be a biblically sound enterprise. The Apostle
Paul talks at length about responsible behavior. While we are to “carry
one another’s burdens,” (Galatians 6: 2) these are burdens they cannot
carry alone. We are called to help those with legitimate
challenges who cannot carry their burdens alone. But we must
also realize we are called to “carry our own load,” discovering that by
doing so we become stronger. (Galatians 6: 5)
Interacting with Sufferers is difficult, but can be much easier when
we get our boundaries straightened out. Learn to give the emotional
load back to Sufferers and you may find a desire to be around them
again. Carrying their load frustrates you and enables them to remain
weak and helpless. Treat them as if they are capable, because more
often than not, they are!
reprinted from crosswalk.com